Diary
The smartest arse of all
My dad has a maxim for every occasion. The same man who said “Education is no carriage” in a pub called The Kangaroo in 1990 also said, “Nobody likes a smart arse” over breakfast in our kitchen in 1991. I pointed out over half a Florida grapefruit, that Aristotle said it was unbecoming for young [...]
The shortest noun of my adult life
I am never sure which is the worst part of a haircut: the verb or the noun. The verb, the actual process of the haircut, is always terrible. “What would you like done?” is always, not unfairly, their first question. Immediately, your hair naivety clashes with the knowledge of the hair expert. I once heard [...]
Small plastic G-clamp
Once, when my girlfriend was little, she went along to work with her dad. While he went about his business, he gave her some highlighter pens to draw with. Highlighter pens are not the best kind of pens for drawing. But this was an office after all and she was only little. Hearing this story [...]
A soupçon of portent
“You’re obsessed with bums, you are,” my grandmother once told me. I was five years old and she said it with a hint of outrage and a soupçon of portent. To solicit this reaction, I had proudly revealed to her the naked arse of a Micky Mouse doll. She was correct, of course. I was [...]
Three Bar
Talking to my mother on the phone last night, the conversation unavoidably arrived at the weather. The weather in Glasgow? Cold and snowy. The weather in Dudley? Cold and snowy with the smell of turpentine on the breeze. My dad, suddenly revealing himself to be on the other line in his signature telephone ‘creep upon’, [...]
Secret Talent
Sometimes I like to draw. Not a lot of people know that. It is a secret talent. Recently, however, my illustrations have received some unusual attention. Firstly from the facilities manager from my office and secondly from some illustration professors at a trade school in Ontario. My stupid drawings started off as a way of [...]
The Epic
Another brilliant OMG! in the bag (covered nicely by cohort and fellow reader, Neil Scott). Probably because of the apocalyptic Glasgow weather, there was a lower audience turnout than usual: a stark comparison to November’s standing-room-only gig. At first, Fergus (the organiser/compare) and I were worried that we wouldn’t be able to whip up the [...]
Polyethylene Stowaway
In front of me right now is a supermarket carrier bag containing a pair of woolen gloves, an interesting book about landmines and two large cartons of a soya-based milk substitute. The bag (rather than its contents) is an alien artifact, accidental souvenir and polyethylene stowaway from New York City. It is a reminder that [...]
Midair Paranoia
Flying, I think, will always be exhilarating to me. I love the liberation of the take-off, the scary landing and the fact that you are essentially forced to do nothing for such a long time. I love doing nothing. It is my second favourite activity in the whole world. I don’t even care about the [...]
