Diary
Getting Letterboxed
Working late at the office, I witnessed a postman collecting our mail. Seeing the mail being collected was a bit like catching your parents snogging: vaguely frightening but weird that you had never seen it happen before. This postman, to the eye, was a brute. As wide as he was tall, his DayGlo orange tabard [...]
The Thane
Good news, everyone. I am fifteenth on the International waiting list for a venue at the Montreal Fringe Festival. This means that if fifteen of the other artists cancel their performances or myteriously die in the night, I will be a shoo-in. I had really wanted to play the Fringe because I think the clean-living, [...]
Lazy Comedian
Just when you thought the laziest comedian was Jasper Carrot from off of Golden Balls and All about me (take that, Carrot), I myself was caught asleep on the job, head resting on the mic. “Shhh, don’t wake him,” a heckler says, “or he might do more of that rubbish about paperclips”. Thanks to my [...]
Same Key
Discombobulation is it? You enjoy saying the word (especially the ‘bobule’ bit in the middle) but you don’t know what it means until you’re standing barefoot in the shagpile of a parallel universe, the smell of curried potatoes wafting though your nose. I run up the stairs of my building, my daddy long legs assassinating [...]
The Explorers
This time last week I was in Canada, visiting my new girlfriend: an illustrator and inventor of superheroes called Samara Leiberwitz. There is a cutesy picture of us on the left in the event that you would like to induce vomiting. The trip concluded with Thanksgiving Dinner. Yes, it appears that Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving too. [...]
“Der Milkhiker”
The new academic year officially began on Saturday. I can only take this to be an anti-semitic gesture on behalf of the state. On this occasion I shall let it pass. As dewy-eyed undergraduates molest the West End, I am reminded of a beautiful occurrence almost exactly twelve Judeo-Christian calendar months ago today: I had [...]
The Doormen
There is a class of men who make their living by standing near doors. I’m talking about doormen, obviously. And within said class of men there are various sub-classes: strata of doorman society. At the top of the pyramid is the hotel doorman who receives tips, has his own union and gets to hang out [...]
England’s hat
“Hello there,” I said, trite as a thanksgiving turkey, “I’m calling from Scotland and I’m hoping to spend a few nights in your hotel next month.” The girl at the front desk of the Toronto Renaissance seemed very excited to receive a call from Scotland. You would think that an international transitional space such as [...]
Gettting Better
Surely like many other arrogant idiots, I used to quietly believe that I was the subject of an on-going Truman Show-style conspiracy in which all of my friends were actors and events were orchestrated entirely by a director in the sky. I even imagined what the marketing campaign for The Robert Wringham Television Programme might [...]
