Corncob Snorkeling Practicalities

13 September 2014 | Diary

An old Doctor Who today reminded me not only of a fondness for jelly babies but also the memory of the holy grail of mischief. Pursued a masked assailant, Tom Baker was cornered against a bubbling swamp. For just a moment, it looked as if he was going to cross the swamp by submerging himself […]

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Why stand when you can sit?

06 September 2014 | Diary

Pull up a pew, male readers. There’s a way to go À Rebours between three and eight times a day without even pausing to think about it. Yes, I’m talking about sitting to pee. “But that’s what ladies do,” says a twat I know called Jeff. But what’s wrong with that? I like ladies. And […]

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Waiting for the Night Bus

30 August 2014 | Diary

Never get a bus. That’s my policy. Whenever I betray my policy, I live to regret it. But every now and again–for reasons always elusive–I like to say “bugger the policy, let’s get the bus.” I suppose I like to stick it to the man. Even if the man happens to be me: sober, reasonable […]

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Sausage Fest

23 August 2014 | Diary

It came to me (as all good things do) while lolling in the hammock and watching the clouds go by: Why, I wondered, (why?) is there no Sausage Fest? There are plenty of sausage fests, obviously. Just pop into an online sexy chat room or a real-life Laser Quest and you’ll probably see one. But […]

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That’s My Brain

16 August 2014 | Diary

I went into hospital today for a CT Scan. A CT Scan is the one where you’re slid backwards like a car mechanic until you head rests inside a giant freestanding doughnut. The doughnut is made from the exact same shiny white plastic they use for stormtrooper helmets on the Death Star. Even though I […]

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09 August 2014 | Diary

Is is possible to be timesick, in a similar way to being homesick? When I awoke this morning it was still dark. This is strange, I thought. I normally wake around 10 or 11 and only then because the needle on my internal caffeine-o-meter has dipped into the red. I looked at the glowing red […]

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The Day of the Coconut

02 August 2014 | Diary

“My wife has a beard of bees.” “My wife no longer requires this bowling trophy.” “My wife’s incisor is stuck in your dreadful peanut brittle.” These are just some of the phrases which, as of this week, I have the right to use. In fact, I could now use any one of an arsenal of […]

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Saline Nasal Mist

26 July 2014 | Diary

I had a minor operation on my nose a couple of weeks ago. Not a full Joan Rivers you understand, but a no-less-exciting (and long overdue) procedure to help me breathe properly. Somehow, I’ve been alive for over thirty years without actually taking a proper breath. Needless to say, this lack of oxygen is entirely […]

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How to Throw a Punch

19 July 2014 | Diary

17. Eat the first-prize giant vegetable at a village fair. 22. Do a “dark reboot” of my signature. 56. See the original “dogs playing poker” painting (Louvre?). On Wednesday evening, we reviewed our bucket lists. Samara only ever had one item on her list. To touch a penguin. We did it in 2011, which is […]

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The Hammock

05 July 2014 | Diary

Well that’s the end of me. I have a hammock. Nothing will ever get done again. I’m supposed to be writing a book (three books actually) but now there’s a hammock on the scene I can’t imagine how this is all going to work out. No successful author could ever have had a hammock. You’d […]

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