On a Bridge

07 July 2018 | Diary

Once, when Spencer was telling me about his burgeoning fear of flying, he said “the plane could flip upside down.” “Yes,” I said, still chewing, “it could flip upside down a lot.” Spencer went pale. It had never occurred to the sweet summer child that the plane might actually corkscrew should the pilots lose control. […]

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Dave the Coconut / Samara’s Story

30 June 2018 | Diary

Two weeks ago Samara and I were in Spain and Gibraltar for a holiday. I was going to write about it in the diary today but I can’t be arsed because although it was a wonderful time I just spent half a day captioning the photographs and now I think I’ll go mad if I […]

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A Few Quick, Horrible Words

23 June 2018 | Diary

Time is tight this week and even though I have much to tell you about (a trip to Spain, some thoughts about Time Lord Regeneration and a weird fantasy I had while crossing a bridge) we’ll have to make do today with “a few quick words.” In particular, some words I don’t care for. Ready […]

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Mike’s Fishing Tackle Shop

08 June 2018 | Diary

Look! Look! It’s Mike’s Fishing Tackle Shop! You know when you’re on a train or something and you zone out for a little while and just stare into the abyss? Only it’s not the abyss at all but the crotch of an old man who just happened to be sitting there minding his own business? […]

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The Fireman

02 June 2018 | Diary

“It blotted out the sun,” is a rather dramatic phrase to attach to a fire in some wheelie bins, but that’s what happened. It did so. I’d been flat on the chaise with a book as usual when I heard a sort of cracking noise, which I thought was Samara coming home and struggling to […]

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The Monty

26 May 2018 | Diary

A local cat called Monty disappeared this week to much consternation. When I saw the MISSING poster reporting that he’d been CATNAPPED no less, my heart sank in part for the cat but also for myself. Being a bit silly about cats in general and fond of this one in particular, I just knew I’d […]

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Ode to an Alka-Seltzer

12 May 2018 | Diary

Waking in fright this morning, I found that a very special bulb had lit itself on the control desk inside my head. It was the one labelled “Alka-Selzer.” “Yes,” I thought, running an exploratory tongue over furry teeth, “Alaka-Selzer. Don’t worry, Head, I’ve got this.” But I didn’t. I didn’t have “this.” I didn’t have […]

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The Two Pounds

05 May 2018 | Diary

At last! They’re gone! I’d been carrying a pair of old pound coins around for the best part of nine months. I’d open my wallet and there they’d be, peeping back at me like the eyes of a small cat. The problem was that none of my regular journeys take me anywhere near a bank […]

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The Sunshine and the Penny

21 April 2018 | Diary

Lovely! It’s a bit of the old whatchamacallit. You know, the old anti-sad. Sunshine. That’s the one. Yes, the sun is out for springtime and everybody I see on the street is wearing a pair of stylish sunglasses as if it doesn’t mean a thing. Let me tell you, a Scottish person in sunglasses is […]

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The Missy

14 April 2018 | Diary

We’ve been looking after Missy, my mum’s cat. She’s getting on in years now — the cat, that is; Mummy’s the same age she’s always been — and her personality has changed since I first petted her tiny cat head. Missy used to be a tremendously affectionate and cooperative cat, perfectly happy for you to […]

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