Diary

Walking

28 June 2014 | Diary

Lots of walking this week. As deliberate leisure activities go, a stroll is up there with pruning bonsai trees, blowing smoke rings, and of course the all-time Number One. I am lucky to have a life with so much walking in it. The alternative would be unbearable. Consider the tedious effort of car ownership: trying […]

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Do Not Pass Go

21 June 2014 | Diary

“We should try a Žižek film one of these nights.” “I’ve seen one,” said Samara, “The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema. It was very good. Saw it at Neil and Laura’s place.” Neil and Laura live on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. Samara has never visited them without me, yet I have no memory […]

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Two Second-Hand Bookshops

14 June 2014 | Diary

Even now, six days later, I get a shudder when I think about the microwavable pie on Lord Wellington’s countertop. The pie smelled of month-old diarrhea and it was his lunch. He’d already taken a bight. He didn’t seem to mind or notice that the pie smelled of month-old diarrhea. We had taken advantage of […]

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The Famous Cartoonist

07 June 2014 | Diary

“Isn’t that Tony Millionaire?” Samara is steadier on her feet in the world of cartoonists than I am. In fact, she’s generally better at keeping track of people’s faces full stop. For much of my childhood I thought that Danny DeVito was Bob Hoskins and that Bob Holness from Blockbusters was the skeleton from the […]

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Pigeon Bullies

31 May 2014 | Diary

It was the summer holidays of 1992 and my little sister and I were running around some ancient monolith or other when we came across a grounded flock of pigeons. We weren’t stupid. When we came across a grounded flock of pigeons, we knew what to do. No pigeon was ever safe when we were […]

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The Hungriest Hippo

24 May 2014 | Diary

The wickedest thing I ever did was convince my little sister that the orange hippo was the hungriest one. Aged 9 and 7, we sat on the living room carpet playing the game. I’d just won my eighth “campaign” when it all kicked off. I know this for certain because it’s all recorded for posterity […]

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Hockey Voodoo

17 May 2014 | Diary

Why must it always come back to sport? Why can’t the world love me for what I’m naturally good at? “Honey we’ve been through this,” says Samara, “people just don’t give medals out for swearing.” It’s a bastarding oversight if you ask me. As an immigrant to Canada, the easiest way for me to integrate […]

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My Horror Finger

10 May 2014 | Diary

I have a horror finger. “It’s a consumption-related medical condition,” I tell my girlfriend when she asks about it. “It’s a cheese-related medical condition,” she says. And she’s right. I only get eczema when I eat cheese. It’s a shamefully bourgeois condition. I’m poorly because I can’t stop eating Roquefort. My eczema is one of […]

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Race to the Bottom

03 May 2014 | Diary

“House salad and a sea bass,” I said. “And I’ll just have the soup,” said Spencer, closing the menu. The waiter raised an eyebrow expertly before he went away. “Just the soup,” I said, “What’s the matter with you?” “Nothing,” said Spencer, “I’m just not very hungry.” “How can you not be hungry?” I said, […]

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The Duet

26 April 2014 | Diary

One of my neighbours is an opera singer. It’s nice to hear him practicing when I’m cooking spaghetti or having a shower. It adds an air of sophistication to any old domestic thing. Scrambling an egg becomes part of an opera. Needless to say, if he happened to be a gangsta rapper or a Heavy […]

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