Features
The Nap: modern man’s final refuge
Originally published at Playboy. When I was a kid I found it hilarious when my dad took a nap in the middle of the day. If I caught him in the act my response would be to strut about the room crowing at the top of my lungs, “DAD’S ASLEEP! WHAT A LAZYBONES!” If he’s […]
The Joy of Sickness
Originally published as ‘The Anatomy of the Man Cold’ in Playboy. I recently spent four days in bed with the ‘flu. I say ‘flu but I have no idea what it was. It may have been a dodgy breakfast. It may have been some kind of voodoo inflicted by one of my enemies. I’m not […]
Trainee Millionaire
Originally published in New Escapologist Issue 9. Artwork by Kelly Tindall. Between the ages of seven and ten, I loved to collect things. I collected postage stamps and cigarette cards like many children do, but some of my tastes verged on the absurd. I had, for example, a thing for ceramic owls and must have […]
Earth smells of doodie, let’s move to Mars
Originally published in New Escapologist ADVERTORIAL It may look like a cataract in the sky, but if you investigate a little further you’ll see that Mars is a completely misunderstood celestial body. And if you like it from here, why not live there? The climate will freeze the blood in your veins and there’s no […]
Fight the Trite
Originally published in New Escapologist Happy Birthday to you, Thunk! Happy Birthday to you, Thunk! Happy Birthday dear Laaaaauraaaaaa, Thunk! Thunk! I am in pain. It’s partially self-inflicted from bashing my head against the function room wall (balloons tacked into each corner, some hilariously arranged to resemble a cock and balls) and partly as a […]
An Invitation to New Escapology
Originally published at New Escapologist “If [the populous] were not mentally deficient, they would of their own accord have swept away this silly system [of work, money and status] long ago.” – Robert Tressell, The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists. “Run Away! Run Away!” – Monty Python and the Holy Grail. “See Istanbul, Port Said, Nairobi, Budapest. […]
English Bastard
Originally published at Meat magazine Being an Englishman in Scotland and being perversely fond of the fact is probably the UK’s answer to America’s ‘wiggas’. Whenever I accidentally utter a Scottish colloquialism (“Och, Aye”) in my Brummie accent I can’t help but think of decrepit, benign Hans Moleman on The Simpsons wheezing, “Cowabunga, dudes”. It’s […]
Bored with a Capital ‘I’
Originally published in New Escapologist I don’t know about you, but I sometimes become so utterly sick of being myself that I would do anything to escape if only for a moment the curse of being ‘Me’. I imagine this is why some people watch soap operas: they enable you to vicariously experience other people’s […]
The Cons of Pros
Originally published at The Idler Working as an office functionary a few summers ago for a local university, I was handed a report by my supervisor as part of a performance review. According to the report, my work in the office had been ‘first class’ with the wider implication that I was performing as a […]
The New Satire
Originally published at TMCQ September 11th 2001. American Airlines Flight 11 smashes into the World Trade Centre’s north tower and thousands of horrified New Yorkers are smothered by layer upon layer of toxic dust. As burning rubble falls and TV news crews clamber through gory debris in instinctual attempts to interview, the world watches on […]
