The smartest arse of all

My dad has a maxim for every occasion. The same man who said “Education is no carriage” in a pub called The Kangaroo in 1990 also said, “Nobody likes a smart arse” over breakfast in our kitchen in 1991.

I pointed out over half a Florida grapefruit, that Aristotle said it was unbecoming for young men to utter maxims, which is why my dad could get away with it.

“Again,” said my dad, “Nobody likes a smart arse”.

It was shortly after this breakfast that I decided to cultivate the smartest arse of all.

Here follows in reverse chronological order the four most clever things I can remember saying or doing.

In a physics class in 1998, our teacher asks me to identify the strongest force in the universe. I tell him, “Peer Pressure”.

In a sex education class in 1996, my teacher asks how one could catch an STD. I tell her, “In a clap trap”.

When the National Lottery began in Britain in 1994, my parents were excited to buy tickets. I told them it was all well and good but they could only defy the odds so many times.

In a department store cafe in 1992, I proposed that if the non-smokers were so upset by smokers, they should all move to the tables in the smoking section. That way, there wouldn’t be anywhere for smokers to sit.

Perhaps not the wittiest things ever said, but my legacy none the less. If you’re not impressed, speak to my assistant and she’ll ensure you get a full refund.

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