The Occasional Papers

A Blog. Lost in transition since 2004.

Do You Have a Mantra?

Ben Moor is a lovely, talented, warm-hearted person. Don’t take my word for it. He’s famously this.

A few days before my first proper show in 15 years, I asked Ben by email if he had any tips. He wrote back:

Breathe deeply before going on – do you have a mantra? – mine is borrowed from [American football coach] Marv Levy who used to say to his players “Where else would you rather be, than right here, right now.” It’s the last thing I say to myself before going on stage and it settles me nicely.

Also, if you think you’re talking too slowly, you’re probably talking at the right pace.

Have fun out there!

Love and peace,

Ben x

Object Number 2

Object Number 2 in our inventory is a ticket stub.

Going to see Dreams With Sharp Teeth on 25 June 2008 was an important night out.

Full article here.

Edinburgh WIP

With Mark Cartwright and Simon Munnery at the Edinburgh WIP screening of Melt It!

And here’s me and Mark’s debrief a few days later:

Heckling for Fun and Profit

Dembina: So I was walking down the road, as the comedians say…

Me: Which road?

Dembina: The Holloway Road. It joins up with the A1.

Me: Glad I asked.

Dembina: Good heckle.

*

Dembina: What’s it called? Jewish Playboy?

Me: Playmensch.

Dembina: Nah, not…

Me: Playgoy?

Dembina: That’s it. You can have 50p for that one, not a pound.

*

The spirit of the Tunnel Club is alive in Edinburgh.

Iceman WIP Screenings

Coming up: Edinburgh (14th Aug) and Birmingham (24th Aug) WIP screenings of the Melt It! film.

These will include an unseen ~40-minute early cut of our film, which stars Jo Brand, Stewart Lee, Ronni Ancona, Robin Ince, Simon Munnery, Neil Mullarkey, and of course the Iceman and me.

Director Mark Cartwright and I will then follow the screening with a 20-30 minute (depending which version you come to) in-person talk and Q&A.

I daresay there will also be ample opportunity for a chat in the bar afterwards.

Part of the mission is to raise money to help us finish the film. The Edinburgh screening is part of the PBH Free Fringe so there’s no cost to entry. If you can afford it though, please put some money in the bucket at the end. Birmingham tickets, meanwhile, are a tenner.

Come! See what on Earth we’ve been up to, help us tie a bow on this fucker, and hear about our remarkable journey so far.

Here’s a special trailer just for these WIPs:

icemanfilm.co.uk

The Magic of Books

Some fan mail arrives for Mister Bob.

“I just wanted to pass on my thanks,” they write, “to Mister Bob for bringing Stendhal’s Scarlet and Black to my attention.”

To which I respond: “you’re very welcome. I will pass your message on to Mister Bob.”

I mean, he’s dead in 2024. But thanks to the magic of books, I have access to him through time.

Which is true.

*

Another recent mention of Mister Bob in real life.

Friend J is going to Portobello. “Look out for Mister Bob,” I say.

“Oh yeah,” he says, “I’m more concerned that I’ll be mistaken for him.”

*

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the book you need to buy.

Nowness: August 2024

It’s August 2024. I’m a writer-comedian. I live in Glasgow. I’m married to Samara (as of ten years ago) and all is exactly as it should be.

Creative Production

I run a small press magazine called New Escapologist and Issue 16 came out last month. It’s a thing of beauty so why not grab a copy? It’s selling quite well, which is pleasing.

I’ve started tentative work on Issue 17. Commissions are out, ideas are doodled, writing is lazily underway. Due for release in early December, this will be the last of the cycle of four issues we financed in early 2023. I’m not sure what will happen after that. It would be nice to do more.

I performed my one-person literary comedy show, The Annotated Audiobook, at PEN Theatre in south London last month. We could hear the rain hammering atmospherically on the roof (which I liked) but the audience was tiny. I quipped that playing to such a small crowd “is either a right of passage or a new low.” If I do more of these, I’d very much like them to be in black box theatres like PEN, though ideally with 30-50 bottoms to warm the seats.

Work continues on the film I’m making with Mark Cartwright and Anthony Irvine. We’re turning my book about the Iceman into a documentary and it’s been tremendous creative fun so far. Last month we were shooting in Devon. This month we’re presenting WIP screenings in Edinburgh and Birmingham to raise money to help finish the thing. September will see a final London shoot at the Bill Murray club.

This month sees the publication of Before I Go, the memoir of “the archaeopteryx of alternative comedy,” John Dowie. I’ve loved working with Dowie on this book (I served as his editor and helped to get it published) and I hope we stay friends once its all over.

In my previous ‘Now’ message, I mentioned that June would be devoted to something new and different. “Ooooh,” I said, and, “yes.” This half-happened. The first two weeks of June were dedicated precisely and successfully to this mystery project. Then things got busy again and I had to stop. Hopefully I’ll pick it up again soon.

I’ve got an article in the July-August edition of the Idler. My name’s on the cover this time and I’ve had some really kind emails about it too. Thanks idlers.

Reading

I finally finished that monster biography of Portuguese poet Ferdinand Pessoa by Richard Zenith. It was very, very good so it’s hard to begrudge the absurd length. I want to tell the world about Pessoa, but there would be no point: Zenith is your man for that.

As much as I enjoyed Zenith/Pessoa, it felt good to draw a line under it. Three months is a long time to spend reading the same book. Since then I’ve enjoyed a short book about Kraftwerk and a deeply entertaining collection of essays about the Talmud. I’m now reading two books (a novel and a nonfic) for review in New Escapologist 17. Bliss.

Travel

I have not travelled at all this summer. Our Canadian relatives are visiting next week though. That’s travel of a sort. They will bring news of a faraway land.

Cultural Devourment

Some films I enjoyed recently were a documentary about rewilding called Wilding (2023), La chimera (2023), mumblecore comedian drama I Used to Be Funny (2023), and wolfcut queer love-in I Saw the TV Glow (2023). That latter film was fascinating: truly, today’s youth have been robbed of their Buffy.

I also saw Oppenheimer (2023) which was one of the most boring films I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s resolutely uncinematic; just loads of dull men talking in rooms. On and on and on and on and on and on and on.

I saw these films at the GFT. Support your local art cinemas, you sods.

Inspired by the Kraftwerk book, I also watched boomer mystery road film Radio On (1979). So cool.

Our legendarily difficult local hipster pub quiz took a few weeks off while some football was happening. I don’t really understand the connection between these two things, but I’m long accustomed to my favourite things being cancelled or destroyed to make way for sport: from tuning in to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation in the 1990s only find that the cricket has overrun, to the public libraries being closed for covid safety in 2020-21 while thousands of dullards are allowed to shout their lungs out at dribbling millionaires at Ibrox on the other side of the river.

For TV, I’ve been watching Batman: The Animated Series from 1995, a favourite of Dowie’s. It’s absolutely superb. Penguin is my homeboy. But I also like the Riddler, so skinny and green. Mark Hamill will always be my Joker, but then so will sexy grandma Caesar Romero. Inspired by I Saw the TV Glow, my wife and I also watched the first season of Charmed. It is rubbish.

Physical Form

Here’s my picture of the “month” so you can continue to monitor my ongoing decay, this time taken in a state of repose at the Devon film shoot:

Too Slow

I just got a rejection letter (yes, by post) for a novel I published over a year ago.

The novel is almost at the end of its life cycle. It’s been read, reviewed, reprinted, won a prize, and I’m halfway through writing the next one.

Nice going, publishers.

Little Yellow Hardback

Hi S,

Thanks for your offer to proofread and I’ll keep it in mind for sure. I already have some reliable people for that but more eyes is always a good thing.

No spoilers! Actually, part of the gimmick this time (unless I change my mind) is to have no text on the cover at all and no synopsis online: let every reader come into it cold as ice.

This is partly because the premise is (a) a bit slight to be honest (b) works better as a weird surprise and (c) I like the idea of being mysterious/a tease.

At the moment, I envision it as a little yellow hardback with, as I say, zero text on the cover.

You already know more about this novel than anyone else.

RW

BBB

Boys, Boys, Boys
Are you looking for a good time?
Boys, Boys, Boys,
You should come and pick my scabs

Object Number 3

Object Number 3 in our inventory is my Kubrick Box. All will be explained. I have written a thousand words here about a cardboard box.

Full article here.

Nowness: May 2024

It’s May 2024. I’m a writer. I live in Glasgow. I’m married to Samara. This is all exactly as it should be.

Work

I run a small press magazine called New Escapologist and I’m currently putting Issue 16 together. It’s a thing of beauty and will be shipping very soon, so why not pre-order a copy?

Work continues on the film I’m making with Mark Cartwright and Anthony Irvine. We’re basically turning my book about the Iceman into a documentary and it’s been tremendous creative fun so far.

I’m editing a new memoir called Before I Go for “the archaeopteryx of alternative comedy,” (Alan Moore’s words, not mine) John Dowie.

You might remember me mentioning Dowie’s other excellent book The Freewheeling John Dowie in my previous Nowness message. I’d enjoyed it greatly and was irritated that it was no longer in print. Well, I pulled some levers and strings and it’s now available again as an e-book at least. Hooray!

The month of June, if I can mop up these few projects in the meantime and since I’m not needed on any film shoots, will be devoted to something completely new. Ooooh, yes.

Reading

I’m 300 pages into a thousand-page biography of Portuguese poet Ferdinand Pessoa by Richard Zenith. It’s very, very good so it’s hard to begrudge the absurd length. I want to tell the world about Pessoa, but there would be no point: Zenith is your man for that.

Travel

I just got back from London where I was filming at the Comedy Store with Mark Cartwright and our little team. We met some incredible people and I’m particularly grateful to the Obi-Wan of improv Neil Mullarkey for all he did for us. Thank you Neil.

Culture Devourment

I’m writing this in a quiet moment at Tectonics, a weekend city festival of experimental music. It’s always one of my cultural highlights of the year. Today I’m all about Koichi Makigami.

For TV, I’ve been watching Werner Herzog’s filmmaking Master Class, chunk by 15-minute chunk. It’s more about spending time with Herzog than actually learning any practical skills for me. But as the Bavarian man himself says, you don’t become a poet by learning to type.

Some films I enjoyed recently were The Delinquents (2023) and Wim Wenders’ Perfect Days (2023). I review both in Issue 16 of New Escapologist since they’re about, in different ways, escapes from work. I saw these films at the GFT. Support your local art cinemas, you sods.

Physical Form

Here’s my picture of the “month” so you can continue to monitor my ongoing decay, this time taken at the Comedy Store in London:

Old Now pages (Then pages?) are squirreled pointlessly into the Now Page Archive

Crossmylaff

One must drink on Purim until that person cannot distinguish between cursing Haman and blessing Mordechai (Megillah 7b)

The show was a smash, obviously.

Next up: a 7-minute version of the same sort of thing for Fergus Mitchell’s fantastic South Side comedy night, Crossmylaff. It’s at Glad Cafe on 24th March.

Unfortunately the 24th is also Purim, the Jewish festival of getting blotto. So I’ll be coming from that. Get yer tickets here.

Alt text: the whitest kids you know.