Earth smells of doodie, let’s move to Mars

Originally published in New Escapologist


marsIt may look like a cataract in the sky, but if you investigate a little further you’ll see that Mars is a completely misunderstood celestial body. And if you like it from here, why not live there? The climate will freeze the blood in your veins and there’s no such thing as ‘air’ but you’ll fall in love with that unpretentious Martian ambience quicker than you can turn inside out.*

The largely undeveloped Red Planet™ is great for business!

• Ever wanted to be the richest man in the world? As no banking corporation currently exists on Mars, why not invent your own meaningless currency and roll around naked in the banknotes, singing “I’m the richest man in the world”? If dressed, fill your hat and trousers with it.

• Be the first to set up a hotel and leisure complex. Sell expensive tickets to the famous ‘Face on Mars’ rock formation in the exciting Cydonia region and tell the tourists that it’s the only remains of an extinct alien civilisation. The fools will buy your limited edition souvenir snow globes and classy porcelain dioramas faster than you can make them.

In addition to these remarkable business opportunities, Mars has a whole host of social and fringe benefits waiting to jump into the naked, quivering hands of the pioneering space developer:

• You’ll be far more sprightly than with your old-fashioned “Earth weight”.

• Ziggy Stardust lied. There are no spiders on Mars. You’ll never have to do that glass-and-paper thing again.

• Bacteria-based neighbours. Keeping up with the Proto-Joneses is easy.

• Generate zero carbon footprint. All hail the silicon master race.

• No McDonalds or Starbucks restaurants in sight and all the nourishing dust you can eat.

• Progressive crater-orientated housing scheme with right to buy.

• Be a prolific lover, football superstar or weight-lifter in Zero Gravity.

• Huge tax breaks from the mildew government.

• Advertise your company for free in the Martian ‘Red Pages’.

• Never see or hear from James Blunt or your Aunt Jemima again. Ever.

• Since we’re starting a new civilisation, why not make it a crime for good-looking people to wear clothes?

• Get in early and claim Godhood. Don’t leave it to the crazies to invent religion. Cash in!

• Reinvent the wheel. In Red.

For more information on how to buy cheap Martian real estate, please send a big fat cheque to: “Mars”, PO BOX 42, Hull.**

* Turning inside out may be of genuine concern.
**Actual travel to Planet Mars may not be possible until after the fall of man.

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