Outdoors In

23 March 2020 | Features

This was originally written for and published pseudonymously in New Escapologist Issue Eight. A finessed version also appears in A Loose Egg. Fresh air is overrated. If it’s not carbon monoxide, my city-slicker lungs refuse to breathe it. A born urbanite, I prefer the human-made and the artificial to the natural. I’m perfectly happy for […]

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The Nap: modern man’s final refuge

13 February 2014 | Features

Originally published at Playboy. When I was a kid I found it hilarious when my dad took a nap in the middle of the day. If I caught him in the act my response would be to strut about the room crowing at the top of my lungs, “DAD’S ASLEEP! WHAT A LAZYBONES!” If he’s […]

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The Joy of Sickness

27 January 2014 | Features

Originally published as ‘The Anatomy of the Man Cold’ in Playboy. I recently spent four days in bed with the ‘flu. I say ‘flu but I have no idea what it was. It may have been a dodgy breakfast. It may have been some kind of voodoo inflicted by one of my enemies. I’m not […]

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Trainee Millionaire

23 October 2013 | Features

Originally published in New Escapologist Issue 9. Artwork by Kelly Tindall. Between the ages of seven and ten, I loved to collect things. I collected postage stamps and cigarette cards like many children do, but some of my tastes verged on the absurd. I had, for example, a thing for ceramic owls and must have […]

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Earth smells of doodie, let’s move to Mars

01 November 2009 | Features

Originally published in New Escapologist ADVERTORIAL It may look like a cataract in the sky, but if you investigate a little further you’ll see that Mars is a completely misunderstood celestial body. And if you like it from here, why not live there? The climate will freeze the blood in your veins and there’s no […]

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