Diary

Gingernut Bible

30 December 2007 | Diary

I’ve had it up to my nerdy buckteeth with this ‘geek chic’ malarkey.

At first, I was as sexually aroused by the idea as the next stamp collecting allergy sufferer, but I think I speak on behalf of the entire doofus community when I say enough is enough. The whole thing is giving me a terrible ice-cream headache.

I actually saw a perfectly normal girl wearing a Cyberman teeshirt today. In broad daylight! Not a single passerby so much as attempted to murder her in cold blood or even try for a good old-fashioned wedgie.

What will become acceptable teeshirt fodder next? “I’m with Chewbacca”?; “Anyone for Pogs?”?; “I ♥ “?; “Tim Berners Lee is my homeboy”?; or maybe just a massive barcode with an hilarious geek-centric joke programmed into it and the words “Ces’t nes pas un LARP” underneath?

Is anyone still with me? No, you’re right, that last one will probably never make it.

I suppose all of this was inevitable though. For it is written in the Gingernut Bible: “And the Geek shall inherit the Earth”. (Or as we used to say in the strictly-boys-only Scott Bakula fan club: “11000111000111010101010100101”.) Ahohoho.

Everyone’s wearing thick-framed glasses now. Everyone’s a Doctor Who fan. Everyone’s masturbating to magazine pictures of Gillian Anderson – and not even behind closed doors anymore but out in the street surrounded by pigeons and tramps and normal non-excematic people on their way to work, all of whom in turn trade their Yu-gi-oh cards without the slightest tinge of self-consciousness. Nobody bats a bloody eyelid.

So listen up, new geeks. People like me are the original thing and we’re sick of all these swaggering newcomers walking around in anoraks, sipping their week lemon drinks and talking about Stephen Fry. Get a haircut!

We were there first, dammit and we wore our Starfleet deltas with genuine self-loathing. No chirpy irony for us. No sireebob. All we had were blocked ears, orthopedic shoes and a complex double whammy of hubris and shame.

If anyone doubts my credentials or wonders where the line should be drawn between the proper borderline-Aspergers geek and the new post-ironic geek, read on:

At age 15, I got beaten up in a school bathroom while dressed as a robot.

Top that.

Everyone should have to go through a similar rite of passage if they want to go around claiming to be a geek. No pain, no gain. It’s all well and good declaring your love of cyborgs now but until you’ve had a replica Star Trek: Phase II laser pistol surgically removed from your rectum, you don’t have the right. Okay?

In case you can’t tell, kids, I’m being a tad glib. I love the chic geek really. Long live Facebook and David Tennant.

I still mock anyone who plays Dungeons and Dragons though. Haha. What a bunch of losers.



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