Diary

Vote Telepath!

23 April 2007 | Diary

“Never talk about religion or politics,” the cliche-generators always say. Better not mention the Scottish Christian party then. Oops. I just did.

The Scottish Christian Party, for those not in the know, are a slightly right-wing political party aiming to mix Christian “morals” with government. Their very existence, if it weren’t so absurdly hopeless, should literally put the fear of God into us. They are very ambitious though and were the first party to display their promotional signage around Glasgow, followed shortly by the Greens. In fact, they displayed their signage even before the election were declared – which is illegal!

By voting for the SCP, you are essentially voting for God.

The other parties have got their work cut out for them then. How can they possibly compete with that? The only hope Labour has now is to get James Bond or Gandalf on their side. Son of Kong for the Green Party? Batman for Solidarity? Of course, the Lib Dems already have Lembit Öpik.

Now its established that fictional devices may enter into the political arena in times of crisis, I should like to propose a new party: the Democratic Telepathy Party.

At the core of my party’s manifesto is the belief that true democracy cannot be achieved without the aid of telepathic technologies. My party will divert all of its funding and energies into developing the technology (or stealing it from aliens) in order to enable the entire population of Scotland, nay, Britain, to to ‘plug in’ to a gestalt collective consciousness.

It will be the ultimate leveller. At last men and women will understand each other. Rich and poor will understand how the other side lives. There will be no more race hate, fattism or verbal abuse toward those who have taken it upon themselves to wear elaborate hats.

I imagine that when the collective consciousness (sponsored by Virgin) kicks in for the first time; knowledge will flow suddenly between all heads and everyone will become aware of everything that has ever been known by anyone in a single nanosecond. There will be a sudden revelation in which every man, woman, ladyman and child will say “Huh. So that’s what it’s all about”.

It will be the dawn of mass realisation on all fronts at how shitty we have always been to each other.

Sir Alan Sugar from TV’s The Apprentice will have a million voices reverberate through his mind saying, “You’re Fired!” And he will say, “Whoa. That’s horrible. Is that what I’ve been doing to people? I mean, I’ll survive, but ouch.”

Vote Telepath for a glorious, single-minded future!



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