Recently I moved from my lovely Hyndland attic to a sterile and expensive little cubicle in Yorkhill. The scent from the incinerators at the local abortion clinic is stifling.
Anneliese fondly refers to my new home as ‘the shit hole’, resulting in lots of delightful bon-mots such as “I can see your shit hole from here” and “You sure do keep your shit hole clean”.
And I do. My shit hole is immaculate.
The saving grace of the new abode is the location. While the apartment itself has all the charm of a parking attendant’s booth, it was built upon a layline of cool (or an ancient Indian burrial ground of awesomeness – you decide).
From my window I can see the laminated futurwolt of the Glasgow Science Centre, the Spanish Baroque turrets of the Kelvingrove Art Gallery, the Medieval-looking Glasgow Steiner School, a pyramidal protestant church, two hospital buildings and the premises of a small company called Richlay Eggs.
When I see the sign for Richlay Eggs, I always think to myself, “They certainly do”.
In the far distance, there is an ever-advancing army of energy-generating windmills. Quixotic, I will one day set about them.
I can also see the new BBC Scotland building. The front of the building has “BBC Scotland” written in big letters on it. This is how I know.
One day I will walk down to the BBC Scotland building, enter the main foyer pretending to be a bicycle courier and blow myself up.
I suspect this would be Yorkhill’s first suicide bomb but I might be wrong about this.
To understand my wrath, you only have to look at this week’s TV comedy listings.
Speaking of such things, I’m writing a sitcom pilot for Channel Four with the charming Fergus Mitchell. Exciting.
I met with Fergus this week and he told me about a Saturday morning TV show called Hider in the House in which children need to smuggle a minor celebrity into their house and keep him hidden without their parents finding out.
Apparently Chris Akabusi spent seven weeks under a bed in Devonshire.
Chris was thought to be the series’ finest hider until the bones of Bubble from Big Brother were found in a Romford airing cupboard.