I’ve never cared for the post-millennium year names. Not only have we lost the plunky-plunky-plunk rhythm of “Nineteen ninety-nine” and “eighteen forty-two,” we also have year names that sound decidedly Star Trekish while all around us lie the ruins of civilisation. It’s too much to bear.

So! Today, after nineteen years of suffering this crap, I have devised a new calendar. Critics will draw comparisons to the years of the Chinese Zodiac and may also suggest that I’m spending too much time alone and indoors.

2019 – Year of the Aphid
2020 – Year of the Coconut Crab
2021 – Year of the Ring-Tailed Lemur
2022 – Year of the Mantis Shrimp
2023 – Year of the Globular Springtail
2024 – Year of the Orangutan
2025 – Year of the Centipede
2026 – Year of the Barreleye
2027 – Year of the Tardigrade
2028 – Year of Just Arthropods in General
2029 – Year of the Octopus
2030 – Year of the Talking Lavatory Who Sings to You and Is Alive

Unlike the Chinese Zodiac, my calendar is not cyclical. One does not return to the Year of the Aphid after New Year’s Eve of the Year of the Talking Lavatory Who Sings to You and Is Alive. No, no, no.

Additional years will be added if required.

I’ll find out if there’s a way to hack the date display of this blog to conform to the new calendar. But I’d better get a move on. We’re already halfway through the Year of the Aphid.

Or, as some will see it, four months into the Aphid-Coconut Crab Financial Year.

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