Diary

A Geiger Counter for Christmas

28 December 2013 | Diary

Shrug this off if you like, but Montreal is set to suffer a deadly dose of Christmas Radiation.

“Christmas Radiation?” you ask. “What are you talking about?”

I’ve tried to warn you about it before. Pay attention. I’m doing a public service.

Overtly Christmassy objects emit Christmas Radiation. Got that?

We can withstand it for a month or so, but soon afterwards it begins to warp our minds.

If you know someone who is mentally ill, check their home for holly wreaths left up all year round or Christmas trees moldering in the spare room. Remove these objects and your friend will be fine. No need for therapy or drugs. I personally guarantee it.

After a month, Christmas things must be packed into cardboard boxes and stowed safely in an attic or crawlspace. These are the only environments in which Christmas Radiation can be stabilised.

Montreal is especially at risk. I live in Montreal and I can tell you that every year, all through the spring, people leave their decorations up. I’ll be out on my routine voluntary Christmas Radiation Inspection (RVCRI) and I’ll find decorations left up until April or May.

This is why there are so many people hanging out on Montreal street corners, wearing cycling helmets and shouting “Nipples!” at innocent passersby. They’ve had their minds warped by too much tinsel.

Check desk drawers for rogue baubles. Check the fridge door for excess nog. Check inside your anus (or have a friend check for you) in case any half-digested roast chestnut has become lodged there.

You owe it to your sanity.

Madness in the workplace can all too often be traced to an obvious source: tiny remnants of streamer stuck to blue-tack in the corners of ceilings. So enthusiastically raised in December, so mercilessly torn down in January. Ghosts of Christmas Past, I call these little dods of glittery tack. They haunt the office all year round, pulsing their radiation into the aching brains of otherwise happy data entry clerks.

How could such pretty objects emit such harmful rays? Well as everyone knows, Christmas decorations are forged by elves in the mines of Lapland (or Greenland or the North Pole or wherever it is you think Santa lives) and it is in these mines where Christmas Radiation spumes forth from subterranean figgy pudding deposits.

They’d ban this practice but it’s where Saint Nicolas derives his supernatural powers. How else could he visit every child in a single night? By commanding the power of the mighty element Festivium is how.

Don’t look for it on your periodic table. You won’t find it. Its position is so far south of Cadmium that it’s off the map.

Holly wreaths? Christmas radiation.

Candy canes? Steeped in it.

Nutcrackers? Don’t get me started.

Be safe this New Year. Take your Christmas shit down on Twelfth Night. To be extra safe, ask for a Geiger Counter next Christmas.