Diary

Luke

12 February 2017 | Diary

I found myself thinking today about Luke. You remember Luke. He was the chap who, when I was on work experience at the council, occupied a corner office designed to segregate him from the others lest he distract them with his exquisite beauty. He was the one who taught me how to skive by playing […]

Read More

Except My Genius

19 January 2017 | Diary

The customs officers at JFK do not take kindly to flouncers, flaneurs or fops. If you ask me, they’ve had it in for us since Wilde’s “nothing to declare” jibe, or “Geniusgate” as they call it now. Back 2009, I was rather full of myself. I’d been recognised a couple of times as a comedian, […]

Read More

Mr Peanut (MD)

25 October 2014 | Diary

A few weeks ago, in downtown Montreal, we noticed a large truck emblazoned with the festive colours and corporate iconography of Planters Nuts. I wouldn’t like to describe it here as “a truckload of peanuts” because I have no idea. For all I know, there was just one single, highly pampered, peanut inside or maybe […]

Read More

The Anti-Fuhrer

18 October 2014 | Diary

My wife is away for a week on business, so I’ve done what all men do when they get a long stretch of time to themselves. I grew a beard. Needless to say, I was envisioning a kind of Zach Galifianakis or Commander Riker situation: a thick and lustrous fuzz in which you could lose […]

Read More

A Sketch of Montreal

11 October 2014 | Diary

Montreal! Where albino squirrels run amok, Mr Peanut is an MD, the hockey team can be controlled with the mind; and (soon) my blimp will patrol the skies. Down in the parks: topless men, bottomless drinks, bits of stadium, visible panty lines. Out on the streets: beret-wearing women riding side-saddle with cigarettes, peg-legged pirates, cross-eyed […]

Read More

Silverfish Pedicures

04 October 2014 | Diary

Dogs, cats, gerbils: all socially-acceptable fauna to share a home with. There aren’t many people who have pet silverfish. In fact, the only reason I’m able to pick out a silverfish in a lineup is that we used to get them in our outbuildings when I was little and Dad always insisted they be given […]

Read More

My Blimp

27 September 2014 | Diary

While I was idling in the hammock today, an airship passed overhead. Next door’s pug and I were equally delighted. It was a lovely thing to see on a quiet autumn day, drifting proudly across a backdrop of cirrus clouds. Oddly enough, we recently enjoyed a curious BBC documentary programme called Cloud Lab about a […]

Read More

Our Saturday Mornings

20 September 2014 | Diary

I awoke prematurely this morning from a nightmare inspired by the hit anime series Attack on Titan. It was 10am. Early enough for me, but Samara had been long awake and was sitting right next to me, showered and coffeed, reading a book and generally firing on all cylinders. Anyway. Attack on Titan is about […]

Read More

Corncob Snorkeling Practicalities

13 September 2014 | Diary

An old Doctor Who today reminded me not only of a fondness for jelly babies but also the memory of the holy grail of mischief. Pursued a masked assailant, Tom Baker was cornered against a bubbling swamp. For just a moment, it looked as if he was going to cross the swamp by submerging himself […]

Read More

Why stand when you can sit?

06 September 2014 | Diary

Pull up a pew, male readers. There’s a way to go À Rebours between three and eight times a day without even pausing to think about it. Yes, I’m talking about sitting to pee. “But that’s what ladies do,” says a twat I know called Jeff. But what’s wrong with that? I like ladies. And […]

Read More