Diary

Mike’s Fishing Tackle Shop

08 June 2018 | Diary

Look! Look! It’s Mike’s Fishing Tackle Shop! You know when you’re on a train or something and you zone out for a little while and just stare into the abyss? Only it’s not the abyss at all but the crotch of an old man who just happened to be sitting there minding his own business? […]

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The Fireman

02 June 2018 | Diary

“It blotted out the sun,” is a rather dramatic phrase to attach to a fire in some wheelie bins, but that’s what happened. It did so. I’d been flat on the chaise with a book as usual when I heard a sort of cracking noise, which I thought was Samara coming home and struggling to […]

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The Monty

26 May 2018 | Diary

A local cat called Monty disappeared this week to much consternation. When I saw the MISSING poster reporting that he’d been CATNAPPED no less, my heart sank in part for the cat but also for myself. Being a bit silly about cats in general and fond of this one in particular, I just knew I’d […]

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Ode to an Alka-Seltzer

12 May 2018 | Diary

Waking in fright this morning, I found that a very special bulb had lit itself on the control desk inside my head. It was the one labelled “Alka-Selzer.” “Yes,” I thought, running an exploratory tongue over furry teeth, “Alaka-Selzer. Don’t worry, Head, I’ve got this.” But I didn’t. I didn’t have “this.” I didn’t have […]

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The Two Pounds

05 May 2018 | Diary

At last! They’re gone! I’d been carrying a pair of old pound coins around for the best part of nine months. I’d open my wallet and there they’d be, peeping back at me like the eyes of a small cat. The problem was that none of my regular journeys take me anywhere near a bank […]

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The Sunshine and the Penny

21 April 2018 | Diary

Lovely! It’s a bit of the old whatchamacallit. You know, the old anti-sad. Sunshine. That’s the one. Yes, the sun is out for springtime and everybody I see on the street is wearing a pair of stylish sunglasses as if it doesn’t mean a thing. Let me tell you, a Scottish person in sunglasses is […]

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The Missy

14 April 2018 | Diary

We’ve been looking after Missy, my mum’s cat. She’s getting on in years now — the cat, that is; Mummy’s the same age she’s always been — and her personality has changed since I first petted her tiny cat head. Missy used to be a tremendously affectionate and cooperative cat, perfectly happy for you to […]

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The Litter

07 April 2018 | Diary

One of my regular walks takes me through an alley which happens to have some truly top-drawer litter. You bet I’m going to tell you about it. First, I should explain, it is not strictly an alley. Your classic Type-1 alley would have obscuring walls on each side. This alley has a mesh fence on […]

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The Queue

24 March 2018 | Diary

When you want to collect a package from our local postal depot, you have to wait in a room the size of a toilet cubicle. The walls are decorated with photographs of naughty dogs who are known to have the taste for postal workers’ hands. I assume this Rogues’ Gallery is a bit like the […]

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The Whistle

17 March 2018 | Diary

One of my as-yet-unmonetized talents, along with a creditable proficiency at armpit music, is the ability to whistle quite loudly and for an insanely long time. I don’t mean the sort of whistle that requires fingers in the mouth like the wolf whistle issued involuntarily by a retired bricklayer on hearing the clip-clop of heels […]

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