The Occasional Papers

A Blog. Lost in transition since 2004.

Polyunsaturated

Spotting one of my type in a cafe at the weekend, my wife gave me a little nudge.

“Out of my league,” I said. “But maybe not out of… our league.”

A top wingman she may be, she was having none of it. Worth a try though, eh?

Do You Have a Mantra?

Ben Moor is a lovely, talented, warm-hearted person. Don’t take my word for it. He’s famously this.

A few days before my first proper show in 15 years, I asked Ben by email if he had any tips. He wrote back:

Breathe deeply before going on – do you have a mantra? – mine is borrowed from [American football coach] Marv Levy who used to say to his players “Where else would you rather be, than right here, right now.” It’s the last thing I say to myself before going on stage and it settles me nicely.

Also, if you think you’re talking too slowly, you’re probably talking at the right pace.

Have fun out there!

Love and peace,

Ben x

Object Number 2

Object Number 2 in our inventory is a ticket stub.

Going to see Dreams With Sharp Teeth on 25 June 2008 was an important night out.

Full article here.

Edinburgh WIP

With Mark Cartwright and Simon Munnery at the Edinburgh WIP screening of Melt It!

And here’s me and Mark’s debrief a few days later:

Heckling for Fun and Profit

Dembina: So I was walking down the road, as the comedians say…

Me: Which road?

Dembina: The Holloway Road. It joins up with the A1.

Me: Glad I asked.

Dembina: Good heckle.

*

Dembina: What’s it called? Jewish Playboy?

Me: Playmensch.

Dembina: Nah, not…

Me: Playgoy?

Dembina: That’s it. You can have 50p for that one, not a pound.

*

The spirit of the Tunnel Club is alive in Edinburgh.

Iceman WIP Screenings

Coming up: Edinburgh (14th Aug) and Birmingham (24th Aug) WIP screenings of the Melt It! film.

These will include an unseen ~40-minute early cut of our film, which stars Jo Brand, Stewart Lee, Ronni Ancona, Robin Ince, Simon Munnery, Neil Mullarkey, and of course the Iceman and me.

Director Mark Cartwright and I will then follow the screening with a 20-30 minute (depending which version you come to) in-person talk and Q&A.

I daresay there will also be ample opportunity for a chat in the bar afterwards.

Part of the mission is to raise money to help us finish the film. The Edinburgh screening is part of the PBH Free Fringe so there’s no cost to entry. If you can afford it though, please put some money in the bucket at the end. Birmingham tickets, meanwhile, are a tenner.

Come! See what on Earth we’ve been up to, help us tie a bow on this fucker, and hear about our remarkable journey so far.

Here’s a special trailer just for these WIPs:

icemanfilm.co.uk

The Magic of Books

Some fan mail arrives for Mister Bob.

“I just wanted to pass on my thanks,” they write, “to Mister Bob for bringing Stendhal’s Scarlet and Black to my attention.”

To which I respond: “you’re very welcome. I will pass your message on to Mister Bob.”

I mean, he’s dead in 2024. But thanks to the magic of books, I have access to him through time.

Which is true.

*

Another recent mention of Mister Bob in real life.

Friend J is going to Portobello. “Look out for Mister Bob,” I say.

“Oh yeah,” he says, “I’m more concerned that I’ll be mistaken for him.”

*

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the book you need to buy.

Too Slow

I just got a rejection letter (yes, by post) for a novel I published over a year ago.

The novel is almost at the end of its life cycle. It’s been read, reviewed, reprinted, won a prize, and I’m halfway through writing the next one.

Nice going, publishers.

Little Yellow Hardback

Hi S,

Thanks for your offer to proofread and I’ll keep it in mind for sure. I already have some reliable people for that but more eyes is always a good thing.

No spoilers! Actually, part of the gimmick this time (unless I change my mind) is to have no text on the cover at all and no synopsis online: let every reader come into it cold as ice.

This is partly because the premise is (a) a bit slight to be honest (b) works better as a weird surprise and (c) I like the idea of being mysterious/a tease.

At the moment, I envision it as a little yellow hardback with, as I say, zero text on the cover.

You already know more about this novel than anyone else.

RW

Object Number 3

Object Number 3 in our inventory is my Kubrick Box. All will be explained. I have written a thousand words here about a cardboard box.

Full article here.

Crossmylaff

One must drink on Purim until that person cannot distinguish between cursing Haman and blessing Mordechai (Megillah 7b)

The show was a smash, obviously.

Next up: a 7-minute version of the same sort of thing for Fergus Mitchell’s fantastic South Side comedy night, Crossmylaff. It’s at Glad Cafe on 24th March.

Unfortunately the 24th is also Purim, the Jewish festival of getting blotto. So I’ll be coming from that. Get yer tickets here.

Alt text: the whitest kids you know.