Diary
Poop hatch with a jeweller’s eyeglass
Applying for immigration into another country is the bureaucratic equivalent of surrendering your bum for scrutiny by stormtroopers. Officiously they would examine the wrinkles of your poop hatch with a jeweller’s eyeglass, checking for traces of mortal turpitude with the careful precision of Dr. David Banner putting the finishing touches on a ship in a [...]
If only you had been a better ghost
“I’m going to fix myself a nice, hot cup of coffee,” I snicker childishly, “Would anyone else like one? Coffee is so tasty and warm and it’s such a pick me up on a chilly winter’s day.” This was the Mormons’ fourth missionary visit to our flat. I had made a point of testing their [...]
“Things were getting critical”
A glitzy showbiz tale from Leonard Nimoy’s incredible memoir, I am not Spock: Within a month of Star Trek going on the air I had telephone problems. There was one phone on the sound stage and between cast and crew there were about 50 people receiving and making calls. I was getting calls for press [...]
Skewer us some sweet dough-oes
“It’s not what it looks like!” I’m on my fourth hit when my girlfriend catches me in the act. Agog, she wears a towel: hardly equipped to confront the sesame-sprinkled travesty hunched at the breakfast table. “Four bagels?” she asks, “You ate four bagels? I was only in the shower for ten minutes.” I also [...]
My next holiday will be in Hell and I’ll deserve it
“I’ve just got back from Transylvania!” This was a lie. I had bought a new suitcase and now I was pulling it home. When a friend stops me to ask, “what’s with the luggage?”, I am unable able to resist concocting a flight of fancy. “Yeah, Transylvania! It’s a beautiful town but you should see [...]
In the brief gap between scale and polish
“Democracy just doesn’t work,” says my dental hygienist in the brief gap between scale and polish. Today is the European Parliamentary Election. I had used this for chit-chat as I sank into the chair but now I was beginning to regret it. My hygienist is thoroughly disillusioned with our entire political system. As if that [...]
All parched and wrinkled
At a party, I select from a plate of desserts a slice of fruit cake. I offer some to a friend. “Oh, no thanks. I can’t stand dried fruit.” “Makes you contemplate your own mortality?” I offer, “All parched and wrinkled, like one day we’ll all be?” “No,” she says, “I just don’t like the [...]
Over the spitting fats of the griddle
It is Monday morning. I stop at the usual place to buy a fried egg sandwich and find that the two women who run the kiosk are talking about organ donation. “Morning, Rod,” the first woman begins, “What’s going to happen to all of your organs after you die?” They think I am called Rod [...]
Is this spinal cord strictly necessary?
Minimalism is Anorexia projected outwards. That’s an entry for The Quotable Wringham, I reckon. Here’s another, which I plagiarised from a tee shirt my girlfriend saw in a mall: I love Asceticism. I can’t get enough of it. The Plain People of Cyberspace: Stop, our sides are splitting. But seriously. What if my silly quip [...]
From the wellington boot of a lemon who is down on his luck
“Home baking!” she chimed. The cakes were a bit sweaty-looking and the dye from the hundreds-and-thousands had begun to diffuse into the icing. I decided to have one out of politeness. “Mm, lovely,” I said, selecting a small one. Listen: In my time, I have put some pretty questionable things into my mouth. I speak [...]
